The Tao of Melvin

I am going to start writing a book of Melvinisms. If you're Vietnamese and your name is Melvin, how can you NOT have a sense of humor? Actually, the mere fact that your name is Melvin would probably do the trick. So anyways, coming off of the conversation in the closet the other day, I have decided to start jotting down these little gems. I will give you two today, just to get the ball rolling.

On a field trip last Tuesday, driving into downtown:
Melvin: Ms. Gray! I can read that sign!
Me: Which one? What does it say?
Melvin (pointing to ad for male pattern baldness): We grow hair!
Me: Why would they want to grow hair do you think?
Melvin: Maybe they want to be girls!
This only got better when we got to the symphony and the conductor, an Asian man with long flowing hair, walked onto the stage. There was pure joy and amazement in his eyes.

Today, leaving for yet another field trip:
Melvin: Ms. Gray, you know what?
Me: What Melvin?
Melvin: Sometimes I can dance and walk at the same time!
Indeed you can, Melvin. Indeed you can.

Emissions by the Numbers

50: number of minutes I waited to have my car tested
15: number of planes that landed at BNA during said time
3: number of times I've been to this God-forsaken piece of earth in the past week
5: number of times I'm fairly certain I nodded off
4: number of workers at testing center
3: number of cars that went through every other line for every 1 that went through mine
1: number of tags I saw that had expired in 2002 (2002?!?)
0: number of enormous chickens at the center this time (someone must have gotten hungry waiting in line)
1: number of times I listened to the ENTIRE Jack Johnson cd in a vain attempt to remain mellow and not hate people
4: number of friends I considered calling to help me through this but reconsidered because I thought they'd either a. be working or b. be in Italy
2: number of times I saw the world's hottest pink car
23: on a scale of 1-10, the intensity with which I had to go to the bathroom
45: speed limit on Nolensville Road
30: speed at which the woman (who apparently does not value life) was driving in front of me
12: months until I have to go through this particular hell again

Tales from the Closet

Another day, another story about Melvin. Today's episode is set in the A/V closet where I am having to test the kids one-on-one in oral fluency. When I finished that part, I then called some back to complete the writing part. And thus it begins:
Me: Okay, Melvin, we're going to do the writing part of the test now and then you'll be completely done.
Melvin: Forever?
Me: Well, until next year.
Melvin: Ms. Gray?
Me: Yes, Melvin?
Melvin: I wish I had 4 eyeballs. Another one in the front and one on the back.
Me: Why?
Melvin: Because it's cool! And I could watch where I'm going. And I'd run fast!
Me: More eyeballs would make you run fast?
Melvin: Yeah! Cuz I wouldn't bump into things.
Me (now crying from laughing at both the visual and the pure, unadulterated humor of Melvin): Melvin, you're the funniest person I know. I have to write this down.
Melvin: Why? Do we need to amputate?

Sure it's a random conversation to begin with, but now go back and read Melvin's part as a 7-year-old, Vietnamese boy and it just gets better. I love my job!

The Big Eye

Some things I learned by 3 this morning:
1. Mary, Queen of Scots, escaped her island prison by posing as a handmaid. Stupid boat man took her back when he saw that her hands were "fair and white." Bad ol'boat man.
2. MTV does still occassionally play videos. And not just gangsta rap ones. Moby was just on!
3. Elimidate is the skankiest show on television. I actually already knew that, but there was just a particularly disturbing one where dude took his little sister on the date.
4. The official languages of Nigeria are English, Hausa, Yoruba, Igbo, and Fulani. In that order. Niger is the one I was thinking of that has French as their official language.
5. There's an island in the South Pacific called Pitcairn. The population is 46. One of their main sources of revenue is from postage stamps.
6. According to gangstaname.com, my gangsta name is Supa-Sprung Couch Bouncer. Somehow, I don't think it means "shining" or "illustrious" like my real name. (by the way, I'd like to send a shout out to my homegirl Liz for recommending this mad crunk site.)
7. Once I write the word "shining," it's an impossibility for the song "Shiny Happy People" to NOT get stuck in my head.
8. I get itchy when I can't sleep. Oh, wait, that's probably because I was "smitten" earlier by my liege.
9. Ancillary and auxiliary are, in fact, synonymous: Helping. Ancillary generally means "of secondary importance," though. But, no Claire, your job is not ancillary in that sense. No matter what Metro says. When I rule the world, I will change the title. Or you could ask Dan to now. He's apparantly good at these things (i.e. #8).
10. I don't really have a #10. I just felt I needed to end on a round number.
11. But since I have never really understood what a round number is, I don't really know when to stop.
12. Now's good.

TGIF

It's been a lloonngg day. TCAP's are going on this week and next. First grade doesn't do TCAP. Oh, except for ELL first grade. We do the language accomodation. Who thought that was a good idea? So I've tested my kids ALL morning. Good times. At about 12, we finally finished the tests and got to have a little fun. Dan came to read (thanks again!) and the kids LOVED it. I don't know if they were laughing at the book or the accents, but whenever you're free, please come back! Oh, and if only the day had ended there. No, it's the Friday after report cards. POPS Rally Friday. I can't tell you what the acronym stands for but I can think of plenty of other 4-letter words that I could substitute. Mainly, it's just chaos. I was sitting between Lori and Lisa which is always a good thing when it comes to being subjected to torture. Kids were dropping like flies. It was so hot. As Lisa said, "If you have heat and kids, they're like cats. They sleep!" True. So true. So do their teachers. I'm ready for the retreat.

Gray's Theorem of Utopia

Playtime in the Park + Rotier's=Happiness

If it makes you happy...

I've been listening to the new Jack Johnson cd (thanks Dan!) all day. Literally. I find it's one of those cd's that just makes me happy, mainly because it allows for some serious escapist fantasy while listening to it. For instance, I picture myself on a beach with an umbrella in my drink with Jack himself strumming away and singing to me. Grr. Then, Melvin yells, "Ms. Gray, I want to TELL you sumpin" and I'm pulled harshly back into reality. Thanks Mel. Actually the kids are enjoying the cd, too. Yes, I play music for the kids. I like to think it makes them more well-rounded. I usually play NPT, but when I know the news is on and don't feel like explaining what decapitation means, I pop in a cd. Usually it's Israel Kamakawiwo'ole's (and yes I totally looked that up) song of Somewhere Over the Rainbow/What a Wonderful World. Possibly the best song ever written. Or combined. Whatever. Anyways, I usually put that song on repeat because there are some other songs on the cd that are a little bizarre. Well, Adrijan noticed one day that we had listened to it about 10 times and called me on it so I've been trying to vary it up a little. Hence playing JJ (not to be confused with Amanda's jankety janked guitar) today. So back to why it makes me happy. I think it's just because it's mellow and does make for such good outside music. The kind of music you would listen to at the beach or even just on your porch. Spring is my favorite time for this kind of music because it's not sweltering so you can actually enjoy spending prolonged periods outside and driving with windows down. I got to thinking about other music that makes me happy in the Spring and the following is what I came up with (feel free to add your own two cents):
1. 10,000 Maniacs Our Time in Eden--possibly the first cd I actually fell in love with
2. U2 The Joshua Tree--or Achtung Baby or All That You Can't Leave Behind or The Unforgettable Fire or Boy (the only one where Bono is actually listed as Paul "Bono Vox" Hewson) or, well, you get the idea...
3. They Might Be Giants Flood--I, too, would oftentimes rather be whistling in the dark
4. Rusted Root When I Woke--simply for Send Me on My Way and Beautiful People
5. The Cure Wish or Disintegration--depending on if I want to be happy happy or melancholy happy-ish
6. Barenaked Ladies Rock Spectacle--Break Your Heart and What a Good Boy are my faves
7. Guster Lost and Gone Forever--I want to marry the bongo player
8. Matthew Sweet 100% Fun--I love this man, but don't tell the bongo guy.
9. Poi Dog Pondering Wishing Like a Mountain and Thinking Like the Sea (don't worry, no one's heard of them...you're not alone, though you are missing out)
10. Pixies Doolittle--Takes me back to 10th grade every time
11.Toadies Rubberneck--I think I listened to Possum Kingdom, Tyler and I Burn about a kadrillion times when I first got this cd
12. New Radicals Maybe You've Been Brainwashed Too--You Get What You Give is one of those songs that you never really realized you knew every word to
13. Anything by Bebo Norman--If I don't marry the bongo player from Guster or Matthew Sweet, and if Bebo gets a divorce, I'm so there...
14. Otis Redding The Very Best of is quite good, indeed!
Anyways, those are my picks for Spring. In fact, that's what I have upstairs right now to choose from whilst getting ready or winding down. I'm sure I'm overlooking some, but I'm too lazy to go down and look through my collection. And, now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go to my ginormous bathroom, kick back in the tub, and listen to some tunes...

AUGH!

I hate emissions testing. I think I'm going to start cheating like certain other people whose names start with an A and end with manda and let my daddy get my renewals. Except my daddy lives in Alabama so I guess that won't really work. Maybe the Vicks will adopt me. Anyhoo, the morning started out on the wrong foot. Note to anyone who calls me friend: If you call me before 9 am on a Saturday I will hit you in the face. I'm not kidding. Wear a mask, Ange! So once I was begrundingly awake, I drove over to the emissions testing center on Antioch Pike. That's not entirely true. I drove around on Antioch Pike until I FOUND the emissions testing center. For future reference, it's across from Tofu House BBQ & Restaurant. ew. I sat idling, listening to tunes, when a chicken starts pecking its way across the parking lot. A real, live, enormous, white chicken. Neat. It's finally my turn, and the chick (girl, not poultry) starts going through the motions of checking my car. She couldn't connect the OBD (not to be confused with ODB, yo) and said I had to take my car to the shop to get it fixed before she could test it. So I scootch on over to Brentwood to Land Rover where I'm told had she just held it, it would have connected. They fix it. And my windshield wiper blades. And apparently something had been recalled so they fixed that too. This is where the only bright spot of my day thus far occurred: I met Amanda for hummus and pedicures (not together, and not necessarily in that order). Then I went back to the testing center. Fella says, "Didn't they tell you that you had to drive around for about 100 miles before it could be tested?" No. So still it couldn't be tested. Smart ass then says next time I bring it in to be tested it's free. No kidding. I just gave you $10, buck-o, I don't call that free. Please, God, let Tuesday be better!

What's a skink?

So another fun planning day in which absolutely nothing was planned is now over. Meetings, meetings, and more meetings were the order of the day. I must admit, though, this was the best planning day ever. Simply for the way it ended. I was on the phone with Amee when I heard shrieks and clattering in the office. Naturally, I went to investigate. I walked in to find the principal, vice principal, secretary, and Title 1 coordinator standing on chairs and tables. Lynn is laughing hysterically. Ms. Boulie looks both scared and angry as hell. "Is there another snake?" I ask, because we have had several snakes in the building this year. Noone knows what it was, just that it was roughly the size of a chihuahua. The principal is on the phone with animal control who is saying not to kill the beast because if it's endangered then we'll be fined $500. Neat. So 3 burly custodians, 5 buckets, and 2 brooms later, the thing is firmly entrenched in the hollow of Ms. Beckman's bookcase. Finally, the calvary arrives. Ms. Leverett, resource teacher extrordinaire. Lynn calls her the crocodile hunter. She goes in. Mark stands bravely at the door with a 3-sided presentation board (they're so multipurpose) blocking the reptile's way back into the main office. At this point, Kathy looks like she's about to cry. Also, she's having hot flashes so she points the fan on her desk to blow right up her shirt. She really freaks out when Peggy comes out holding the thing's tail. Bloody little stump. I want to make Kathy a necklace out of it to ward off evil and small creatures. She says she'd rather have a pistol. Gail announces the thing is a skink. A what? A skink. By this time Linda is on the phone with animal control.
Linda: "It's a skink."
Man: "A what?"
Linda: "Skink. S-k-i-n-k."
Man: "A skunk?"
Yes, sir, and would you like to come in so my first graders can tell you how to correctly pronounce an i? You're a big help. He does finally find someone there that knows what a skink is, and this person says that they don't bite so there's no need to be afraid of it. So then please explain to me why, if it doesn't bite, does Gail emerge with its mouth in a vice-like grip on her finger...Hm. Lynn and I want to change our mascot to the Tusculum Skinks. I think it would be catchy. Here's a picture of a skink. I don't know if this is our skink, though, because ours was actually about 10 inces long. Nasty little beast.

WWGD

Our Father who art in Heaven
Hallowed be thy name
Give us this day our daily olestra
And forgive our debts as we forgive our debtors
Who live with us and vote for the city commissioners we support
Lead us not into temptation of evil croutons
And deliver us from the maytag bleu cheese dressing at J. Alexander's
(But please don't take away our Long Island Iced Teas)
For thine is the kingdom of Brentwood, the power over food, and the glory of Gwesus
For ever and ever
Salud!

My friends and I made up this (highly) modified Lord's Prayer this morning in response to a conversation begun Tuesday night. We somehow got on the subject of Gwen Shamblin, aka Gwesus (oh, how I wish I could take credit for that moniker!). If you don't know who this woman is, think of the craziest most delluded and inherently evil person ever to walk the earth. That's getting close to Gwesus. I say that in all honesty, and without a hint of exaggeration or sarcasm. She's evil. I knew she was crazy when I saw her one night on Larry King. For my friends that didn't believe even Gwesus could say such a thing, here is part of the interview:
"How in the Holocaust did you have all these people getting down real skinny? They ate less food." AND in a depostition she went on that "What I base the genetics on is documentation in the seige in the Holocaust, that when people were in prison camps and ate less food, they lost weight -- all of them." Hm, Gwennie, do you think that could be because their captors were STARVING THEM TO DEATH??

Maybe they're just freckles...

These words were uttered by Claire while explaining to her father that the white spots on her brain and spinal cord were indicative of MS. Typical Claire. Smart aleck. Witty. Seconds later Angelica, her father, and I are holding her hands and we're crying as Erik prays over her. Her father is quiet. What is this thing that's taken hold of his baby girl? What's happening to our friend who was on a platform dancing when she realized her abdomen was numb? I've been thinking about this a lot today. Somehow even managing to teach the concept of an "inch" to a bunch of 7 year olds. All the while, I'm thinking "who gives a crap about an inch?" Inches don't matter when you get sick. Then, I read Dan's blog. Read about reacting more to a favorite restaurant closing than finding out a friend is sick and why that is. Dan, you sounded almost like you think that's strange. It's not. It's easy. It's human. Hearing that our favorite place for tacos is closing isn't as scary as facing our own mortality. A place closing doesn't make you think, "What would I do if it were me?" A place doesn't make you feel inadequately equipped to support, comfort, calm, distract, or simply be with it. A person does. A person requires infinitely more from us. Emotionally, physically, and spiritually. We don't have the luxury of a knee jerk reaction when someone we love is involved.

Be thankful

As I sit here about to fall over onto my keyboard and sleep, I have to take a minute and just say that I am so thankful for my friends. I have had another amazing day (going on two weeks now, yea spring!) today with friends. I realized tonight driving home how lucky I am to have these people in my life. Here is a taste of what I have in my life, and I pray to God that I never lose them:
-Amanda is the most energetic person I have ever known in my life. She loves people. Any people. All people. I often tell her she's running for mayor. She is accepting of anyone and everyone. She knows how to drive me crazy (insisting I'm wrong about something...the nerve!) but knows when to not push my buttons. She's hilarious. And loud. We can disagree and be on each other's last nerve, and 5 minutes later it's as if nothing ever happened. Amanda has been with me through a lot over the past year and a half or so. And for that I'll be forever grateful.
-Chadd is the one who said I was charmingly abrasive, though I don't think he remembers that. His one-liners and asides are precious to me. Chadd makes my stomach hurt. In a good way. It's because I'm laughing.
-Al is quiet, but the king of the pun. You have to listen, or you'll miss it. He is also very accepting, and he's kind. Plus, he has great stories of being a Gippie. He's also the only person who can get away with calling me Lara B. And he can really shake his groove thing.
-Dan is the newest addition to my circle of friends. I don't know how willingly he came into the fold, but we haven't run him off yet. He, too, makes me laugh (I'm sensing a pattern here). Dan has some of the best, grossest, and worst stories I've ever heard. Everything seems to remind him of a story--whether a story of his former antics or whatever--there's always a story.

I have other friends that are equally as important to me, but these are the ones I've been with all day and so they're on my mind. I don't know when was the last time I was this happily and contentedly exhausted. Thank you. Thank you for pushing, challenging, humoring and blessing me with your very nature. I wonder what the next sunny day will bring us...

Tired

Why is it that we run around and wear ourselves down just so we won't miss out on something? I am tired. After a little too much wine last night and a full day of Goodwill, Southern Thrift, and disc golf I want nothing more than to crawl into my bed, form a coccoon, and remain blissfully unconsious until morning. But no. I am going to Johnny Jackson' Soul Satisfaction. Mainly because I have never been before as I usually gimp myself up right before my friends go there. Also, it will be a fun night out with the girls. But, oh, my pillow is a Siren song right now...